I've been thinking about coming back for a while now. Writing gave me an outlet, a way to reach out to the world and feel connected. I've missed it.
A lot has happened since I was here last... some good, some bad - all of it now weaved into the fabric of who I am. I've got ideas, memories, and stories to share, and I hope that you'll join me as I start to make my way back.
With love,
b
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I am...because of Her
Today I am a mother, wife, and friend
Because of her...
I became a survivor, rather than a victim
I stood, when my instinct was to cower
I loved, when my instinct was to fear
I felt, when I didn't know that I could feel
I succeeded, when everyone expected that I would fail
I learned, when others thought I could not be taught
I watched her demonstrate sacrifice, while all around us people were taking
She taught me to give of myself...and to expect nothing less of others
From her
I learned forgiveness
patience
tolerance
and that you must always, always keep forging ahead
today I am loved , and able to love...
because of Her....
Because of her...
I became a survivor, rather than a victim
I stood, when my instinct was to cower
I loved, when my instinct was to fear
I felt, when I didn't know that I could feel
I succeeded, when everyone expected that I would fail
I learned, when others thought I could not be taught
I watched her demonstrate sacrifice, while all around us people were taking
She taught me to give of myself...and to expect nothing less of others
From her
I learned forgiveness
patience
tolerance
and that you must always, always keep forging ahead
today I am loved , and able to love...
because of Her....
Friday, April 29, 2011
Some people just look better naked...
...And I am pretty sure I am one of them.
Ten years ago I could slip into a ragged old pair of jeans and a t-shirt and feel pretty okay about myself - Now, well, not so much.
It starts out like this each morning: I emerge from the shower to a standing ovation (jealous, arent you?...don't be, my 2 year old hasn't yet realized that washing the stink off of you might not count as standing-ovation worthy work), and towel off. I take a moment to congratulate myself on creating fewer shaving cuts than yesterday, then don my standard "getting ready" outfit. There's something about loose fitting sweat shorts that make you feel skinny. More so if you happen to be having a "flat tummy" morning. On goes the husband's tshirt, and the construction work begins.. At this point I'm still feeling pretty good about myself, I'm drinking coffee, blow drying my hair - and so far, so good.
And then it happens... I walk into my closet and pull my favorite pair of slacks from the rack... Size 4, The Limited, trouser style slacks... How could I go wrong? Well, several ways - and I'm going to share those with you now...
Before my son, I wore a size 2. So one man-child = one pant size...not to bad, right?
RIGHT, if it were that simple, all would be right in my little world.... But alas...mother nature played a cruel joke upon me - and put me in a size 4 - with overflow. Now, I'm not going to sit here and complain that I am overweight, or too big, or feeling fluffy - so you can relax. I LIKE my curves. What I DON'T like is that my curves have taken it upon themselves to relocate to some VERY unflattering places. Size 2 is too small, Size 6 falls off, and size 4 gives me belly rolls.
Onward and upward.... the upper body I was once so proud of has betrayed me as well. Sure...everything looks fantastic...until you put on your bra... You latch it, hook it, and adjust it - everything feels GREAT. Then you look in the mirror and "Holy CRAP!, where did THAT come from?" Just when you think you've adjusted to your new belly roll, you are faced with the undeniable fact that you are also now the proud owner of bra-bulge.
I don't know about you, but I just find all of this a little demoralizing. It used to be that I felt GREAT once I got dressed...now all I want to do once I'm dressed is..well, get undressed.
Ten years ago I could slip into a ragged old pair of jeans and a t-shirt and feel pretty okay about myself - Now, well, not so much.
It starts out like this each morning: I emerge from the shower to a standing ovation (jealous, arent you?...don't be, my 2 year old hasn't yet realized that washing the stink off of you might not count as standing-ovation worthy work), and towel off. I take a moment to congratulate myself on creating fewer shaving cuts than yesterday, then don my standard "getting ready" outfit. There's something about loose fitting sweat shorts that make you feel skinny. More so if you happen to be having a "flat tummy" morning. On goes the husband's tshirt, and the construction work begins.. At this point I'm still feeling pretty good about myself, I'm drinking coffee, blow drying my hair - and so far, so good.
And then it happens... I walk into my closet and pull my favorite pair of slacks from the rack... Size 4, The Limited, trouser style slacks... How could I go wrong? Well, several ways - and I'm going to share those with you now...
Before my son, I wore a size 2. So one man-child = one pant size...not to bad, right?
RIGHT, if it were that simple, all would be right in my little world.... But alas...mother nature played a cruel joke upon me - and put me in a size 4 - with overflow. Now, I'm not going to sit here and complain that I am overweight, or too big, or feeling fluffy - so you can relax. I LIKE my curves. What I DON'T like is that my curves have taken it upon themselves to relocate to some VERY unflattering places. Size 2 is too small, Size 6 falls off, and size 4 gives me belly rolls.
Onward and upward.... the upper body I was once so proud of has betrayed me as well. Sure...everything looks fantastic...until you put on your bra... You latch it, hook it, and adjust it - everything feels GREAT. Then you look in the mirror and "Holy CRAP!, where did THAT come from?" Just when you think you've adjusted to your new belly roll, you are faced with the undeniable fact that you are also now the proud owner of bra-bulge.
I don't know about you, but I just find all of this a little demoralizing. It used to be that I felt GREAT once I got dressed...now all I want to do once I'm dressed is..well, get undressed.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sometimes....You just need to let yourself get old and cranky.
There are mornings I wake up already "done" for the day. Its a curious phenomenon, reaching the end of your fuse before anyone had time to light the match - and yet there you are, standing in your kitchen an hour after you should have left for work, wondering how in the H** you forgot to stop and get more coffee last night and wondering if there are little gremlins stealing diapers from your nursery.
I don't know if I have become less tolerant as I've gotten older, but one thing is for sure, I am no longer the care-free, come what may girl that I was ten years ago. Things, people, traffic and even music irritate me - and who can say if its just me or if things, people, traffic and music have actually become more annoying over time. Also, I find I don't have a lot of patience for ignorance, laziness, arrogance, or for outright meanness. I've learned to recognize the "dark clouds" and can even forecast their drama storms. (learning to hide from these people is also a great skill I've learned over the years) I don't pretend to appreciate unwanted / unwelcome advice, and I don't feel the need to show affection to people I don't particularly care for.
I feel liberated! I don't care what so-and-so says behind my back. Why should I? That she feels the need to put me down only proves she thinks her life sucks more than mine. I don't worry what judgments people make about me, my husband, our decisions or our relationship - I stay concerned on who we are and what we mean to each other. Similarly, the older Brandy understands that no one REALLY cares enough about your life to think about it any longer than it takes to make a snide comment and get some laughs.
The real joy in life, in my opinion, happens in the comfort of your own family while surrounded by people that love you no matter how your hair looks that day. Its the smiles and laughter that comes with toddler tickle fights and unexpected hugs that really keep the World of Lee spinning. Happiness is knowing that your handsome hunk of a husband looks just as haggard in the morning as you do, and that even though he knows you woke up looking like a frankenstein / anna nicole hybrid this morning, he still wants to love you tonight.
I'm ending this one abruptly, but I think you get the point. I don't really want to be cranky, like everyone else - I just want to be happy being me. I want you to be happy being you. I want get through life without sweating too much of the small stuff and end up old and wrinkly with the man that I love. And you know what, since I cannot imagine anything better - I wish the same for you! (Except you know, find your own man. Mine's taken.)
I don't know if I have become less tolerant as I've gotten older, but one thing is for sure, I am no longer the care-free, come what may girl that I was ten years ago. Things, people, traffic and even music irritate me - and who can say if its just me or if things, people, traffic and music have actually become more annoying over time. Also, I find I don't have a lot of patience for ignorance, laziness, arrogance, or for outright meanness. I've learned to recognize the "dark clouds" and can even forecast their drama storms. (learning to hide from these people is also a great skill I've learned over the years) I don't pretend to appreciate unwanted / unwelcome advice, and I don't feel the need to show affection to people I don't particularly care for.
I feel liberated! I don't care what so-and-so says behind my back. Why should I? That she feels the need to put me down only proves she thinks her life sucks more than mine. I don't worry what judgments people make about me, my husband, our decisions or our relationship - I stay concerned on who we are and what we mean to each other. Similarly, the older Brandy understands that no one REALLY cares enough about your life to think about it any longer than it takes to make a snide comment and get some laughs.
The real joy in life, in my opinion, happens in the comfort of your own family while surrounded by people that love you no matter how your hair looks that day. Its the smiles and laughter that comes with toddler tickle fights and unexpected hugs that really keep the World of Lee spinning. Happiness is knowing that your handsome hunk of a husband looks just as haggard in the morning as you do, and that even though he knows you woke up looking like a frankenstein / anna nicole hybrid this morning, he still wants to love you tonight.
I'm ending this one abruptly, but I think you get the point. I don't really want to be cranky, like everyone else - I just want to be happy being me. I want you to be happy being you. I want get through life without sweating too much of the small stuff and end up old and wrinkly with the man that I love. And you know what, since I cannot imagine anything better - I wish the same for you! (Except you know, find your own man. Mine's taken.)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
More...of THE LIST
1. Unwanted facial hair: the great equalizer. Truth: People DO notice your mustache. When in doubt, WAX.
2. Transitioning from brunette to blonde sans trained professional is ALWAYS a BAD idea.
3. At some point, wearing clothing purchased from the juniors department just makes you look silly.
4. If you really think diamonds are a girl's best friend, you probably need to go out and find better friends.
5. You will never again look as young as you do RIGHT NOW.
6. The Truth: No one really likes a woman who thinks she is a princess and acts accordingly. They are only humoring you.
7. Don't pass gas while out in public with your child and expect it to remain a secret.
8. Believe it or not, there are those in this world less fortunate than you. Take a minute to ponder that - then stop complaining.
9. As much fun as they are, Jersey Shore, Skins, and The Bachelor do not count as culture or current events. Blend some real life in with your reality at least once a week.
10. Listen to good music. Its good for the soul, and more pleasant for those within earshot of your speakers.
11. And the final thought for the day... Its ok to cry, if you really, really need to.
3. At some point, wearing clothing purchased from the juniors department just makes you look silly.
4. If you really think diamonds are a girl's best friend, you probably need to go out and find better friends.
5. You will never again look as young as you do RIGHT NOW.
6. The Truth: No one really likes a woman who thinks she is a princess and acts accordingly. They are only humoring you.
7. Don't pass gas while out in public with your child and expect it to remain a secret.
8. Believe it or not, there are those in this world less fortunate than you. Take a minute to ponder that - then stop complaining.
9. As much fun as they are, Jersey Shore, Skins, and The Bachelor do not count as culture or current events. Blend some real life in with your reality at least once a week.
10. Listen to good music. Its good for the soul, and more pleasant for those within earshot of your speakers.
11. And the final thought for the day... Its ok to cry, if you really, really need to.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Mommy Wars
I cringe every time I see a blog or article that pits working mothers against stay-at-home mothers. The term "working mother" when used in comparison with "stay-at home mother" insinuates that the latter is not working...noooo they are sitting at home, in front of the television, eating bon-bons all day. What a crock!
Staying at home with your children, and managing to keep them engaged is probably one of the toughest challenges a parent could take on. I have a lot of respect girlfriends of mine that live this life. Its a life with great rewards and benefits, but make no mistake - it isnt easy. These mothers don't get a lunch hour, smoke break, or time to chat at the water cooler. Their challenge is balance - where in the day does the mommy turn into a wife, a woman?
Working outside of the home has its own, different challenges. I am not home with my son during the day, though I am blessed to have found child-care that is both enriching and loving. I work, on average, 8-10 hours a day. My husband takes our son to school and picks him up. I miss out on a lot of things, and I really hate that. But guilt has no place in a happy home. My son and I have quality time every morning before I leave and every evening before he goes to bed. We read, play, dance, act foolish - and its the highlight of my day. the challenge for the mother that works outside the home is balance. it is like two full time jobs on a part time schedule.
The greatest gift we, as women and mothers, can give each other is the gift of understanding and empathy. No one wins in the show down between us, and besides that - its an unecessary exercise. We are all working toward the same goal- happy, well adjusted children that turn in to good, independent people.
I tip my hat (well, i would if I had one) to all of my fellow mothers, working both inside and outside of the home - for the dedication and love you give. Lets all support one another, shall we?
Staying at home with your children, and managing to keep them engaged is probably one of the toughest challenges a parent could take on. I have a lot of respect girlfriends of mine that live this life. Its a life with great rewards and benefits, but make no mistake - it isnt easy. These mothers don't get a lunch hour, smoke break, or time to chat at the water cooler. Their challenge is balance - where in the day does the mommy turn into a wife, a woman?
Working outside of the home has its own, different challenges. I am not home with my son during the day, though I am blessed to have found child-care that is both enriching and loving. I work, on average, 8-10 hours a day. My husband takes our son to school and picks him up. I miss out on a lot of things, and I really hate that. But guilt has no place in a happy home. My son and I have quality time every morning before I leave and every evening before he goes to bed. We read, play, dance, act foolish - and its the highlight of my day. the challenge for the mother that works outside the home is balance. it is like two full time jobs on a part time schedule.
The greatest gift we, as women and mothers, can give each other is the gift of understanding and empathy. No one wins in the show down between us, and besides that - its an unecessary exercise. We are all working toward the same goal- happy, well adjusted children that turn in to good, independent people.
I tip my hat (well, i would if I had one) to all of my fellow mothers, working both inside and outside of the home - for the dedication and love you give. Lets all support one another, shall we?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Things I learned the hard way...
Think back to age 16, and the times you said "I can't wait to turn 18 and GET OUT OF HERE!" If you're anything like me, you wish you could sit down with your 16 year old self and have a very frank discussion. It would start out something like "I realize, self, that you do, in fact, know everything. You are prepared for the "real world" and what it has in store for you...but humor me for a few minutes, and I will let you in on some secrets." Once my sixteen year old self completes the eye-roll and sigh ritual, I begin.
1. High School is not real life. There are no summer vacations, ski weeks, Holiday breaks or teacher in-service days. You do not get to re-take the "tests" that you fail, and no one cares if you have ADD.
You are expected to show up on time, prepared to work, and do what you need to do to complete your job succesfully.
2. No one cares about your birthday. Ok, MAYBE some of your friends and family remembered, but in general, your birthday is not an occassion. Work goes on. Life goes on. You do not get a free pass to call in sick to work, take a two hour lunch, or force an expensive meal on your loved ones. Sound harsh? If it does, try to push your maturity past the 13 year old mentality.
3. Karma is real. The mean things you do and say about other people WILL come back to bite you.
4. People at work like to gossip. About you. Being part of the group that starts the rumor doesn't protect you from becoming a rumor. All it does is let people know that you like to talk smack. Also, see #3.
5. Related to #4, #3... Never trust anyone that would tell you someone else's secret.
6. You do not deserve a six figure income at your first job out of college. Work, pay your dues, and EARN your pay. The law of the jungle is "eat what you kill" not "eat what I give you for sitting on your duff"
7. You too, will get cellulite.
8. Driving a car that costs more than your yearly salary makes you look stupid.
9. Whining isnt cute on 3 year olds, and its down-right infuriating on a 30 year old.
10. The truth is always multi-dimensional.
Whew! now that I've got all of that off of my chest, I feel much better. Believe it or not, there are some crazy-wonderful things about growing up that I've learned to cherish. I've learned that being a mother, for me, is the most amazing and fulfilling thing I choose to do with my time. Its not for everyone, and thats okay, but it is DEFINITELY for me. Choosing a spouse that loves you and accepts you unconditionally, even if he's not a big fan of tattoos, is the wisest decision you will ever make. :) Earning the praise that you crave feels really, really good.
I've finally reached the age in which I am able to embrace my true, authentic self, regardless of how other people judge me. I have tattoos...6 of them. I know some people dont like them, or dont understand them - and thats alright. All I can ask is that they look beyond it and get to know me. Afterall, I might not be a big fan of their wardrobe or hair color, but that doesnt make them any less deserving of a fair shake, does it?
In your mid 30's you also understand that nothing lasts forever, not the bad stuff - and not the good stuff. I like that I know that now, because I don't take so many things for granted.
Thats all I've got today, thanks for hearing me out!
1. High School is not real life. There are no summer vacations, ski weeks, Holiday breaks or teacher in-service days. You do not get to re-take the "tests" that you fail, and no one cares if you have ADD.
You are expected to show up on time, prepared to work, and do what you need to do to complete your job succesfully.
2. No one cares about your birthday. Ok, MAYBE some of your friends and family remembered, but in general, your birthday is not an occassion. Work goes on. Life goes on. You do not get a free pass to call in sick to work, take a two hour lunch, or force an expensive meal on your loved ones. Sound harsh? If it does, try to push your maturity past the 13 year old mentality.
3. Karma is real. The mean things you do and say about other people WILL come back to bite you.
4. People at work like to gossip. About you. Being part of the group that starts the rumor doesn't protect you from becoming a rumor. All it does is let people know that you like to talk smack. Also, see #3.
5. Related to #4, #3... Never trust anyone that would tell you someone else's secret.
6. You do not deserve a six figure income at your first job out of college. Work, pay your dues, and EARN your pay. The law of the jungle is "eat what you kill" not "eat what I give you for sitting on your duff"
7. You too, will get cellulite.
8. Driving a car that costs more than your yearly salary makes you look stupid.
9. Whining isnt cute on 3 year olds, and its down-right infuriating on a 30 year old.
10. The truth is always multi-dimensional.
Whew! now that I've got all of that off of my chest, I feel much better. Believe it or not, there are some crazy-wonderful things about growing up that I've learned to cherish. I've learned that being a mother, for me, is the most amazing and fulfilling thing I choose to do with my time. Its not for everyone, and thats okay, but it is DEFINITELY for me. Choosing a spouse that loves you and accepts you unconditionally, even if he's not a big fan of tattoos, is the wisest decision you will ever make. :) Earning the praise that you crave feels really, really good.
I've finally reached the age in which I am able to embrace my true, authentic self, regardless of how other people judge me. I have tattoos...6 of them. I know some people dont like them, or dont understand them - and thats alright. All I can ask is that they look beyond it and get to know me. Afterall, I might not be a big fan of their wardrobe or hair color, but that doesnt make them any less deserving of a fair shake, does it?
In your mid 30's you also understand that nothing lasts forever, not the bad stuff - and not the good stuff. I like that I know that now, because I don't take so many things for granted.
Thats all I've got today, thanks for hearing me out!
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